First Blush

One of the toughest doors I ever had to push open was the one that led to my first AA meeting. I'd read through AA's Big Book beforehand, and even knew some people in other cities who had gotten sober with the program. But I still felt like an intruder. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to relate to the people inside. That a program that had helped millions of alcoholics get sober would somehow not be able help me. That I was barging in where I didn't belong.

Fortunately, I quickly learned one of the pleasant secrets of AA: the entire program is designed around the newcomer. The fact is, I should have known that I was walking into a room filled with people who had been waiting for me all along. Everyone inside was an alcoholic. Everyone had been thrashed by John Barleycorn. And everyone, in their own way, was eager to show me what had been so freely given to them: a life free of alcohol, a life that no longer circled the drain, a new beginning.

I was also lucky in that I had already made personal contact with someone inside that meeting before I'd even entered. I'd done a fair amount of research on the program before I stepped through that door the first time, and I'd hooked up with someone I met on a local help line. (In the U.S., you can generally find the help line of your local AA listed in the white pages of your phone book under "Alcoholics Anonymous).

I'd been calling the help line for a few weeks before the meeting, and I kept getting patched through to the same guy, who answered all my questions, gave me constant encouragement, and kept cajoling me to "take that giant" step and meet him in person at a meeting. I finally relented, met him there, and was introduced around by him to others who regularly attended the meeting. Within an hour, I had about a half dozen phone numbers, a "real live AA member" I could attend meetings with, and a small network of other AAers I could turn to for help as well. I was "in."

As things worked out, I ended up attending that same meeting for about a year, and slowly made my way around to other meetings. Most importantly, I stayed sober – all because someone on the other end of a help line took the time to bring me into the program, and show me around.

If you're thinking of checking out AA for the first time, you may want to consider your local help line as an easy way to take a look-see. In my experience, the people who work these lines are some of the warmest, most caring human beings I've ever come across. And yes, chances are, if you ask them to meet you at a meeting, you'll probably find they'll be more than happy to accommodate. In AA, helping other alcoholics achieve sobriety is one of the key ways we stay sober ourselves.

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Sunny Side Up: Someone explained to me the difference between being involved in the program of AA or being committed to the program of AA. They said the difference between being involved and being committed was like a bacon and egg breakfast. The cook is involved, but the pig is committed.
-sober2day
Alkie's Soapbox (http://www.alkies-soapbox.org)

Pick A Door: I used to go to meetings and run out when anyone mentioned the word "God." Did not want to hear it. One day I was trying to escape again and a man stopped me and mentioned that he noticed I had a problem with that word. He had 32 years sobriety at that time. I was not impressed at all. But what caught my attention was that this person claimed to be an atheist.

I had about six months at that time and knew everything that there was to know about AA. Nobody could tell me anything. But I did know that the God word was all through the steps, so how could an atheist be here? I called that man a few names and just a plain liar. How could he be using these steps if he really was an atheist?

GOD -- Good Orderly Direction -- is what he told me.

I just left and decided I would never go to back to these nuts. They just were not as smart as me. About two weeks later, I realized that what this man was trying to tell me what worked for him. He was not trying to sell me or convince me of anything. He had something that worked for him.

What did I have?

Today I look back and realize that I was taught spirituality by an atheist. Where but in AA could so many different people get what they need and help others at the same time?
-Bill K.
Alcoholic Anonymous 2 (http://groups.yahoo.com/, keyword "alcoholicanonymous2")

Cutting-Room Floor: "I was once told that "it's OK to look back but don't stare."
-Clark E.
e-AA (http://www.e-aa.org/)

Slippery Slope

I've noticed that the holiday season sometimes turns out to be prime time for people to "slip" from the program. There's that great pressure to paste on an "I-love-the-world" smile, no matter how you feel. There are those year-end reflections about what it all means. And there are those reunions with family that sometimes turn out to be something less than a Norman Rockwell painting.

I've seen a cavalier attitude emerge here and there regarding slipping during the past few years. I've even heard some people go so far as describe slipping as "part of the process." I don't buy it. As far as I'm concerned, more than one AA member has been love-bombed all the way to the undertaker's suite on that euphemism.

I have an extremely strong opinion about slipping because someone very close to me got into a habit of slipping, and so far, has not made it back. He had six years sober. He was one of the people who inspired me to come into the program. He had completely rebuilt his life. He had gone from generating no income to being a co-owner of a small business. He was a joy to be around. He was "living large" as they say.

Then, about three years ago, he slipped.

And he slipped again.

And he slipped again.

Fast forward to today. His drinking is completely out of control. He just finished serving 30 days in jail for a DWI. He has lost his business. He's in his forties, and works for $10/hour at a job that he has to walk to every day this winter in the Northeast. He's lost his license for a year, and after that, he'll have to install a special breathalyzer in his car at his own expense for the privilege of driving. He doesn't even want to think what his auto insurance rate will be. At $10/hour, driving again will probably turn out to be an unreachable goal, even after the State says it'll give him another chance.

Part of his DWI sentence includes probation for a number of years, including weekly visits to a State-ordered psychiatrist, which he has to shell out for each week -- again, all on a $10/hour salary.

When I first got into the program, an old-timer once told me people don't "slip" -- they subconsciously plan to take a drink weeks before they ever lift that glass. Taking the drink is simply the culmination of their slow withdrawal from the program over a time. Makes sense to me. I also believe slipping has to be about as much fun as a game of Russian Roulette. Step right up and try your luck. Will this be the spin that lodges the bullet in the firing chamber? One person will know for sure.

I think what has helped me stay sober, and thank God, not return to a life of alcoholism so far, is that I took the advice of people who came before me, and completely committed to AA. I'm no poster child for the program, but I get it done. Every morning I get up, I hit my knees, and pray.
Every morning I get up, I do my best to live by AA principles. In the beginning, I sometimes had to pray silently for a solid hour or more to stay sober. I did it. In the beginning, I sometimes had to go to two or three meetings in a day to stay sober. I did it. In the beginning, I sometimes had to white knuckle it to stay sober. I did it.

When I first got into the program, another AA member gave me a piece of advice to use for those times I found myself getting a little squirrely about the program, for those moments for when I began to wax esoteric about the season, or my circumstances, or the secret to the infinite mystery behind the grand scheme of things.

"Whatever you do, don't drink," he said.

Works for me.

-Joe@aalivechat.com

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*Overheard at the meeting today: "There are no big shots or little shots in AA. One shot and we are all shot."
-Scottish John, Alkie's Soapbox (http://www.alkies-soapbox.org)

*Slippery Slope: When I first got into the program, an old-timer once told me people don't "slip" -- they subconsciously plan to take a drink weeks before they ever lift that glass. Taking the drink is simply the culmination of their slow withdrawal from the program over a time.

I know that for me the phrase above fits my actions to a tee. I could feel myself plan to take that drink. I would be smugly happy with myself that I was remaining "sober" -- but physically sober was about all I was. I was waiting and waiting for that opportunity to "slip."

To maintain my sobriety for good, I need to find a way to come to peace with my bouts of craving and I need to control my internal sabotage. I hope through the support of AA and groups like this I can find an inner peace that allows me to ride out times when I feel my obsession with alcohol take hold.
-Holly, AALiveChat on AOL
(http://groups.aol.com/), keyword "aalivechat"

*Defects/Shortcomings/Wrongs: These three terms are used interchangeably in our basic text because they mean the same thing. These are all things that we engage in that push God out of our lives.

When I engage in any of the classic defects I don't allow the sunlight of the Spirit to enter into my life. If I am envious of someone else I miss out on what God can grant me. If I am dishonest I cheat myself of God's grace. Any of these things serves to separate me from God.

Since God's will for me is to be happy, joyous and free I'd miss out on that too. Each day is the day I need to say to myself "His will, not mine - what would He have me do today?"
-Jim, "Defective Alcoholic"
http://groups.yahoo.com, keyphrase, "AA Beginners By The Book"

AA's Singleness of Purpose

For me, AA's singleness of purpose has been, and continues to be, absolutely crucial to the program's ongoing success. I've never bought into the view that AA can somehow be one, big, happy 12-step family, which can simultaneously cure every drug addiction, eating disorder, gambling compulsion -- you name it -- under the sun.

I realize such "big umbrella" 12-step meetings do exist, and if those meetings work for the attendees, I genuinely wish them the best. What I don't agree with is when "big umbrella" advocates barge into AA meetings and demand that the AA meeting morph into a generalized, one-size-fits-all, 12-step meeting.

As far as I'm concerned, this is tantamount to a group of Pagans showing up at a local church or temple, and demanding that the location become a nondenominational house of worship, merely for convenience sake.

Essentially: I don't know what it's like to be addicted to heroine. I never woke up every day and took PCP with my morning coffee. I have never -- and hope to God will never -- know what it's like to have a crack pipe as an extension of my body. Please don't ask me to pretend that I do.

Don't get me wrong. I always feel an immediate affinity to anyone working a 12-step program, no matter what their addiction. And I also believe that if a heroine addict, or someone with an eating disorder -- or someone with any other non-alcohol addiction for that matter -- shows up at an AA meeting, they should be received as guests, and later gently, sincerely and lovingly guided to a 12-step meeting that specializes in their particular addiction.

That said, if AA is to endure, the program needs to maintain the same, laser-focused singleness of purpose that enabled the concept to capture the world's imagination in the first place -- at least as far as I'm concerned. For me, this oft-vehement controversy is really little more than a labeling issue. If you want to have an AA meeting, make it about getting free of alcohol. Trouble with coke? Make it a CA meeting. Problem gambler? Check out Gamblers Anonymous.

As for facing the inconvenience of being forced to drive a little further -- or take the bus a few more stops, or peddle a bike a few more minutes, or lose a little more shoe leather -- to find a meeting specializing in your addiction, I guess my question would be: "Are you willing to go to any length to achieve sobriety?"

-Joe@aalivechat.com